Disgruntled UN diplomats demand their jelly doughnuts 

By Steven Edwards 

UNITED NATIONS. The United Nations may have its hands full with hot spots around the world, but in the staff cafeteria at UN headquarters, skilled peacekeeping averted a flare-up over the mystery of the missing jelly.

Judging by comments on the cafeteria complaints board, jelly has become harder to find than good fellowship in Kosovo. 

"Where's the jelly?" someone beefed in a recent anonymous complaint. "In the 'jelly' doughnuts, dollops of yore have been reduced to mere stains."

Like any good peacekeeper, the cafeteria staff was accommodating in its reply: "Our bakery has assured us that it will immediately restore the jelly doughnuts to their former quality."

That dispute was barely quelled, though, when another threatened to explode over the shortage of china cups for the espresso.

And barely had the hard-pressed cafeteria promised to replace the polystyrene variety with more china than a new conflict threatened over the chronic shortage of silverware.

Even peacekeepers have their limits, though, and the silverware issue threatened to boil over. The problem, someone from the cafeteria responded, was that customers didn't seem to understand the difference between real forks and the throwaway kind.

"We have noted several of you are taking silver out of the facility and a few customers are throwing it in the refuse cans when dumping the trays. We need you to co-operate."

Similarly, cafeteria negotiators refused to back down in the face of complaints that the soups du jour -- to which customers help themselves from cauldrons -- are too watery.

The blame for that, a senior cafeteria source noted on the complaints board, lies directly with the customers.

"The soups and chilies are chock full of the ingredients that we advertise and they are not watered down," said the reply.

"Customers have the option of taking as much or as little as they desire, and some like to strain off the stock and take only the meat and vegetables, leaving only liquid for the rest of you.

"When this is brought to the attendant's attention, he changes the pot for one filled with all the ingredients as before."

This being the United Nations, the conflicts just keep coming, regular as mealtime.

Following a complaint about the breakfast fare, a notice went up that the choice had been improved.

"The morning pastry selection has been broadened. The doughnuts we now carry are larger than before. You also have more variety in your choice of bagels, rolls, Danishes and fresh-baked muffins."

A late-night diner was assured that the lunch crowd was not getting a better deal on the buns.

"We have made available to our dinner customers the same quality and style of bread rolls that we carry during the lunch period," said a note.

Someone who signed himself "Hungry and Frustrated" was assured the staff had "addressed the issue of 'Sold Out' signs at the Grill Bar."

Similarly, whoever lodged the complaint about the absence of "Green Tea Ice Cream" was pacified without war breaking out.

The supply of special flavours was being increased, the disgruntled diner was promised, "and this includes Green Tea."

National Post, Fri, Dec. 3 1999, Page A1/FRONT